A New Hope

Well, we have made it to phase 2 of our cycle, stimulation. I am having trouble finding words to describe the emotions of the last week leading up to today, so I think I will start back a little further. Our prep work for this cycle started weeks, even months before any meds were given, calendars made, or classes attended.

It started with picking ourselves up after our last failed round of IUI (intra uterine insemination), getting our minds and bodies right, and finding hope in this situation that tends to tear it away consistently, and without fail. Months ago, I switched my diet in preparation for this cycle. After a significant amount of research, I cut out all that is good in life and started a low carb, high protein diet. This was a huge lifestyle change for both Aaron and I, but we did it in the HOPE that it might make a difference.

I read multiple books on IVF, and things you can do to increase your chances of success. If you are currently going through any sort of infertility, I highly recommend It Starts With the Egg by Rebecca Fett. From the information I found there, I started taking what seems like a pharmacy of supplements every day. Supplements that are supposed to help in producing healthy eggs, and for Aaron healthy sperm. These supplements have not been cheap, and have had to find their place in our budget, in the HOPE that they might make a difference.

I have tangled with my mental health, and what I can be doing to support a healthy mind-body balance. This has been one of the more tricky areas to improve, because after so much failure in this area of life it can be hard to maintain a positive attitude about any of it. So I turned to writing here, to sharing and talking about this outside of our marriage. This has been a huge blessing and I so appreciate anyone who has said kind words to me about the blog. I am a part of some support groups online, have found others that have gone through or are going through a similar situation, and have found my people that are able to talk to me (mostly me talking at them) about our experiences and how I am feeling every day. Huge shout out to my momma ❤️

I meditate every day.I have started doing yoga as light exercise since I am not supposed to be doing anything vigorous. I wake up early, and go to bed on time to maintain a hormonal balance. My whole day is planned around things that bring HOPE to a difficult situation.

And then there’s God. Boy, Him and I have had some chats in the last few months. I really was grappling with my faith after our last IUI. But I didn’t stop talking to Him, even though most of it was about how mad I was and how unfair this all seems to be. Our conversation has finally turned around and I am at a place where I would rather tell him how thankful I am for everything He has done in my life.

I felt ready. I felt with the start of this cycle, I had some real HOPE. I feel like I have changed my life, my relationships, and my marriage to make this work. I’ve done all that I can control and now it is up to God.

My injections started Monday. Monday was not good. I started with my injection in the morning and shortly after had a headache I could not get rid of. I worked through it, got home utterly exhausted, and started crying for absolutely no reason as Aaron was loading up my night syringe. Day 1, awful, but I didn’t care, I was ready to keep going.

Day 2 was not great either, but I was able to keep my emotions in check and my physical symptoms to a minimum.

So that brings us up to today. Day 3. I woke up with excitement this morning ready for our first appointment since our baseline labs/ultrasound we did a week ago. I got my blood drawn first thing, and was lead into the room to get my ultrasound. I could tell that the nurse was quiet after starting so I asked, “Is anything growing in there”. She fumbled the wand around a little bit more and her response was “it looks pretty quiet”. This is the opposite of what we want. We want activity, and many follicles growing in my ovaries. In the end, she had only found one follicle. She told me she would call me with the blood test results and not to worry. Sometimes it just takes a few days for things to get going, but I could tell from the way she said it she was worried.

I finally got the phone call about my blood results around 1. My estrogen levels are only at 30, and they would like them to be above 100 at this point. So no follicles, and low counts. My worst nightmare. We are to continue on with what we are doing until Friday when I will have everything repeated. If there is not much more improvement by then, I was told that our IVF cycle would be cancelled. If this is to happen, we probably would not be able to start back up again until January/February.

So, just like that. All of the hope I have been building up for months got swept away within a matter of hours. I have been left kind of stunned and emotional about the entire ordeal. I was hoping to be retrieving all of my embabies a week from now, and now I am back to not knowing what the future holds.

So, if you believe in God, I am asking for some prayers. Specifically, that things will change by Friday and my ovaries will kick it in high gear. For some sort of peace and comfort.

If you don’t, maybe just a high five and a hang in there when you see me around.

As tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I don’t want to end this on a sad/sappy note. I am incredibly thankful for a lot of things in my life. I am thankful that I get to wake up each morning to live another day, that I have a husband that supports and loves me as best as he can, a new home that we love, jobs that provide what we need and give us the opportunity to make a difference in peoples’ lives, my family, and my pups. At the end of the day, no matter how hard that day is, God has provided in my life and will continue to in his own time.

Happy Thanksgiving friends ❤️

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